My new blog:
http://unastodaspartes.blogspot.com/
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Final Chapter: Why I came home
There were several reasons why I didn't stay. The family were going on holiday for three weeks and by all means I was invited...But being around people whom don’t speak the same language as you is awfully isolating.
Language is another reason I left. I went to Germany with the promise I would be able to go to a school to learn German. Unfortunately all places had gone by the time we looked into it. I wasn’t encouraged to learn German because they wanted Christo to learn English. At first it was ok that I didn’t know German and I didn’t mind listening to people speak but not understanding but as time went on I became more and more isolated from the family- Or at least I felt it. Besides that it was embarrassing. I wanted to make the effort so it would be easier for me to integrate.
And I’m sure you all think that little Christo must be one of the reasons! Well, it came clear to me when his English teacher asked him why he didn’t like me and he said " Because when she picks me up and takes me to Kindergarten Mama and Papa aren’t there;" this problem of his unpredictable and rebellious behaviour was much bigger than me. It was never going to be completely resolved unless his parents stopped working!
I realise that I perhaps backed down too soon with him- I could see that he didn’t want to play with me, and he quickly became hostile to me so I just stopped trying to get him to play. However, after the English teacher told me this, the knot in my stomach, which had been holding me back from him, untied. And he picked up on this (and the fact I was buying him ice-cream) and things changed. He was less hostile and aggressive, this changed for good. But him enjoying spending time with me was always temporary. We'd have a nice evening building car races together but the next morning he'd be pleading with his Mama for her to take him, and not me. To put it bluntly, he missed his parents and I was never going to be able to change that.
Very quickly I became extremely fond of him and him of me I believe. To quote "Hannah is brilliant." "Hannah is a really good dancer Mama" and " I love you." But like I said, the problem was much bigger than him not liking me. And this problem was another reason why I came home...
Love x
P.s I’ve grown to quite like writing a blog, so I’m going to carry on writing one! A new one of course. I’ll let you know…
There were several reasons why I didn't stay. The family were going on holiday for three weeks and by all means I was invited...But being around people whom don’t speak the same language as you is awfully isolating.
Language is another reason I left. I went to Germany with the promise I would be able to go to a school to learn German. Unfortunately all places had gone by the time we looked into it. I wasn’t encouraged to learn German because they wanted Christo to learn English. At first it was ok that I didn’t know German and I didn’t mind listening to people speak but not understanding but as time went on I became more and more isolated from the family- Or at least I felt it. Besides that it was embarrassing. I wanted to make the effort so it would be easier for me to integrate.
And I’m sure you all think that little Christo must be one of the reasons! Well, it came clear to me when his English teacher asked him why he didn’t like me and he said " Because when she picks me up and takes me to Kindergarten Mama and Papa aren’t there;" this problem of his unpredictable and rebellious behaviour was much bigger than me. It was never going to be completely resolved unless his parents stopped working!
I realise that I perhaps backed down too soon with him- I could see that he didn’t want to play with me, and he quickly became hostile to me so I just stopped trying to get him to play. However, after the English teacher told me this, the knot in my stomach, which had been holding me back from him, untied. And he picked up on this (and the fact I was buying him ice-cream) and things changed. He was less hostile and aggressive, this changed for good. But him enjoying spending time with me was always temporary. We'd have a nice evening building car races together but the next morning he'd be pleading with his Mama for her to take him, and not me. To put it bluntly, he missed his parents and I was never going to be able to change that.
Very quickly I became extremely fond of him and him of me I believe. To quote "Hannah is brilliant." "Hannah is a really good dancer Mama" and " I love you." But like I said, the problem was much bigger than him not liking me. And this problem was another reason why I came home...
Love x
P.s I’ve grown to quite like writing a blog, so I’m going to carry on writing one! A new one of course. I’ll let you know…
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I dont like unfinished stories. And this needs two chapters more.
Chapter 1: The Experience
Going to Berlin this summer was one of the hardest challenges I've ever had.
I learnt to take everything day by day because my feelings were so mixed. Some days I felt so lonely all I did was cry and stay in that tiny flat.Other days I got a grip of my situation and took the experience in my stride- explored Berlin, met fantastic people and handled Christo well!
Going to Berlin was also one of the best experiences I've had.
I've never felt that kind of responsibilty before and I very quickly had to grow out of my teenage mind-set and into a 'I've-got-a-child-who-is-100%-my-responsibilty-at-certain-times' mind-set. When you are faced with something you are not sure you can do, you perhaps dont do it, because no-one is relying on you. But when a five-year old relies on you to save him from fear or falling or simply just building lego so it doesnt fall over- you have to do it. And you just do.
For one reason or other at times I was treated very much like a child who was completly naive and at first I took this to heart, climbed into my shell. And then I realised that I wasnt that child at all. It became more than this. As I learnt to be by myself and to not feel lonely, I discovered myself more than ever. ( In a none self-indulgent way)I could be in my realm, my element and there was no-one to influence me. I was just me.
Thats not to say I'm not myself and haven't been, my identity just became a bit clearer to me ( oh, how cheesy hannah...)
I also learnt the importance of language. A language that isn't your own.You never think about speaking your own language. We speak it mindlessy, without pausing for thought. Until, on a reguarly basis people dont know what you are saying. Until, people scowl at you for being so ignorant as to not speak their language. Until, you have to slow down your speech at all times to be understood. And finally,until, you meet a lot of people who speak not just two languages but 3 or 4 or even 5. I became utterly ashamed. I felt arragont and ignorant (well thats certainly how people saw me.) So I am going to learn Spanish, I wanted to anyway but Ive never felt it was so so important.
I feel very effected by the past three weeks. By the people I met, by the challenges I faced, and by what I learnt. And I have absolutley no regrets.
Love x
Chapter 1: The Experience
Going to Berlin this summer was one of the hardest challenges I've ever had.
I learnt to take everything day by day because my feelings were so mixed. Some days I felt so lonely all I did was cry and stay in that tiny flat.Other days I got a grip of my situation and took the experience in my stride- explored Berlin, met fantastic people and handled Christo well!
Going to Berlin was also one of the best experiences I've had.
I've never felt that kind of responsibilty before and I very quickly had to grow out of my teenage mind-set and into a 'I've-got-a-child-who-is-100%-my-responsibilty-at-certain-times' mind-set. When you are faced with something you are not sure you can do, you perhaps dont do it, because no-one is relying on you. But when a five-year old relies on you to save him from fear or falling or simply just building lego so it doesnt fall over- you have to do it. And you just do.
For one reason or other at times I was treated very much like a child who was completly naive and at first I took this to heart, climbed into my shell. And then I realised that I wasnt that child at all. It became more than this. As I learnt to be by myself and to not feel lonely, I discovered myself more than ever. ( In a none self-indulgent way)I could be in my realm, my element and there was no-one to influence me. I was just me.
Thats not to say I'm not myself and haven't been, my identity just became a bit clearer to me ( oh, how cheesy hannah...)
I also learnt the importance of language. A language that isn't your own.You never think about speaking your own language. We speak it mindlessy, without pausing for thought. Until, on a reguarly basis people dont know what you are saying. Until, people scowl at you for being so ignorant as to not speak their language. Until, you have to slow down your speech at all times to be understood. And finally,until, you meet a lot of people who speak not just two languages but 3 or 4 or even 5. I became utterly ashamed. I felt arragont and ignorant (well thats certainly how people saw me.) So I am going to learn Spanish, I wanted to anyway but Ive never felt it was so so important.
I feel very effected by the past three weeks. By the people I met, by the challenges I faced, and by what I learnt. And I have absolutley no regrets.
Love x
Friday, July 03, 2009
I set an alarm off in an Art gallery yesterday. I stood too close to a painting. A red light swooned above my head and three busty men came running at me. Thats just typical of me isn`t it?
But I must tell you...
On the 6th day Berlin gave me Roya. Roya looks like Pocohontas. I met her at Christos birthday party, she is the sister of one of the little boys that came along. She is very striking and well dressed, obviously into her designer wear... and cars. But also likes music and reading and the guardian!Anyway we got on and before she left she got my number and said " We should go out some time." So, we went for lunch yesterday. I found her very calm and unexcitable, unlike myself. I realised how I am very much an open book...
On the 8th day Berlin gave me Matilda. Matilda is a grandma, visiting her daughter and grandchildren in Berlin but actually lives in India with her husband. Matilda like me is an open book, so we instantly got on. That day I was feeling very down about my situation with Christo etc, and she listened and we spoke about her life aswell. I almost cried with relief of having this stranger suddenly comfort me- its like she said " I was put here today for you."
On the 10th day Berlin gave me Hania (said like Hannah.) Hania is a tourist in Berlin, a Polish girl studying Law. I met Hania in the queue for an art gallery, I said "Spreckensie Englisch?" (Do you speak English?) and she did! We debated whether we would go into this gallery which was supposed to be free but wasn`t that day... We decided no! And then we spent the rest of the evening in other galleries and museums- The National Gallery and The Bode muesuem. Hania was very easy going (perhaps because she wasnt German?) Anyway, we discussed how we didn`t like German Art, Polish cuisine, Children, Travel and more Art. As we walked around and she told me about this painting and this artist and why this was good and why this wasn`t. I thought `Oh my god she studies Law and she knows tonnes about Art,' but it turns out she studied the history of art at college. We had similar tastes so we could laugh at the portraits of grumpy men or of angels with the the german flag on the wing! She was there when the alarm went off.... She didn`t even laugh, she just looked at me and said deadpan "This is fun."
Th 10th day also bought me Michelle (the english teacher I have already spoken about?) She is a Jamacian woman, with the most mature and beautiful 14 year old children I have ever met. Wonderfully kind and straight forward she took me in yesterday and gave me my first cup of tea in 2 weeks.
So Berlin has thrown up some people for me in the works. And they have really helped me even if for a breif hour or so. Being here has made me realise how much I rely on the company of people, to get to know people, to talk. And all the people I have just talked about have been very good, kind-hearted people.
And maybe there will be more?
Love x
But I must tell you...
On the 6th day Berlin gave me Roya. Roya looks like Pocohontas. I met her at Christos birthday party, she is the sister of one of the little boys that came along. She is very striking and well dressed, obviously into her designer wear... and cars. But also likes music and reading and the guardian!Anyway we got on and before she left she got my number and said " We should go out some time." So, we went for lunch yesterday. I found her very calm and unexcitable, unlike myself. I realised how I am very much an open book...
On the 8th day Berlin gave me Matilda. Matilda is a grandma, visiting her daughter and grandchildren in Berlin but actually lives in India with her husband. Matilda like me is an open book, so we instantly got on. That day I was feeling very down about my situation with Christo etc, and she listened and we spoke about her life aswell. I almost cried with relief of having this stranger suddenly comfort me- its like she said " I was put here today for you."
On the 10th day Berlin gave me Hania (said like Hannah.) Hania is a tourist in Berlin, a Polish girl studying Law. I met Hania in the queue for an art gallery, I said "Spreckensie Englisch?" (Do you speak English?) and she did! We debated whether we would go into this gallery which was supposed to be free but wasn`t that day... We decided no! And then we spent the rest of the evening in other galleries and museums- The National Gallery and The Bode muesuem. Hania was very easy going (perhaps because she wasnt German?) Anyway, we discussed how we didn`t like German Art, Polish cuisine, Children, Travel and more Art. As we walked around and she told me about this painting and this artist and why this was good and why this wasn`t. I thought `Oh my god she studies Law and she knows tonnes about Art,' but it turns out she studied the history of art at college. We had similar tastes so we could laugh at the portraits of grumpy men or of angels with the the german flag on the wing! She was there when the alarm went off.... She didn`t even laugh, she just looked at me and said deadpan "This is fun."
Th 10th day also bought me Michelle (the english teacher I have already spoken about?) She is a Jamacian woman, with the most mature and beautiful 14 year old children I have ever met. Wonderfully kind and straight forward she took me in yesterday and gave me my first cup of tea in 2 weeks.
So Berlin has thrown up some people for me in the works. And they have really helped me even if for a breif hour or so. Being here has made me realise how much I rely on the company of people, to get to know people, to talk. And all the people I have just talked about have been very good, kind-hearted people.
And maybe there will be more?
Love x
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Its 10am and I am on my second cup of coffee.
Because I spend most of my days alone I write my blog in my head, there are thousands of things I have wanted to say but haven`t.
I want to talk about my experience with Germans at the swimming pool. How fascinating I find it that the older generation love a good swim but get grumpy with you if you, someone 50 years younger than them, go faster... Or even how the middle-aged woman got angry with me for over-taking her, i thought "well its a dog-eat-dog world darling."
I still haven`t spoken about bonding with Tina, from hair removal to globalization- we have covered it all! And for those foodies reading my blog ( i.e Amy-Rose and Amy Beck) would probabley like a full menu from each day so heres a basic one: I eat meat and cheese for breakfast (eek, to be fair I have started just having jam and bread) not a lot for lunch but then we have delicious teas; lasagne, stuffed peppers, a very fancy bulgarian meal- all of which is tasty!
I didn`t even tell you about Christos Birthday party. Met some lovely mothers, all very friendly (those who spoke english) one was questioning why I`d want to come to Germany. And I realized then that it was Caroline who made my trip to Germany so good last time and also James, who we stayed with. Because it has to be said the majority of Germans are not so friendly, and they admit this themselves!
But anyway, onwards and upwards,
This week I have a plan: I am trying to ram Berlin culture down my throat because I feel a bit like the troubles of my first week here have swallowed me whole.
So on todays agenda there is the Kathe Kruitz (sp) musuem and if I get time then Im going to go for a swim! (Must do 50 laps Hannah!)
Yesterday I went to a photgraphy gallery, dedicated to Helmet Newman.
" What have Christians got to do with politics"- Helmet Newton
I expected to not like this guy, who is famous for his obsession with women and taking photos of naked ones! But actually, his photos were absolutley amazing and completely underogatory. I thought it was quite empowering of women, which was refreshing. His work was apprently so avant-garde and contraversial at the time that his work his numbered, you cant buy any of the best photos on postcard for example. You must buy his book which is 500 Euros, hmmm..
Then tomorrow, Eastern Kruezburg!
I assume you have all gathered by now that me and Christo dont get on so well. I spoke to his parents about it and they agree that its not working so we give it a week, and then if nein improvment, its home time...
Love x
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